


Blood Under the Bridge

by Ghille_Dhu



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Anal Sex, Blood and Injury, Cruelty, Diamorphine, Double Anal Penetration, Double Penetration, Drug Use, F/M, Gynaecological violence, Hurt No Comfort, Medical Abuse, Medical Procedures, Medical Professionals, Misogyny, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Sex Toys, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Sadism, Sexual Violence, Substance Misuse, Suicide, sex as self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:40:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26481319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghille_Dhu/pseuds/Ghille_Dhu
Summary: The crew are running low on Deuterium.  The Lorell Home World at first glance looks like Voyager's saviour. However, they encounter a misogynistic race whose goal is to medically control every woman on their planet. Janeway is stuck between wanting to protect her crew and protect herself.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/Noah Lessing, Kathryn Janeway/Original Character(s), Kathryn Janeway/Other(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 10





	1. Run, Run Away

**Author's Note:**

> This is a dark fic pretty much throughout. Please heed the trigger warnings. 
> 
> The rape/non con components are very much from a gynaecological violence perspective rather than any other. 
> 
> This is tagged for suicide to be on the safe side. I didn't write it as a suicide attempt, but thought it may read like that for some.

She loathed this planet. She hated everything about it. From the pink skies to the orange seas as far as she was concerned this planet had contributed nothing positive to the sum of life forms. If the ship had not needed Deuterium so desperately, she would have hit warp nine and not looked back. However, they did and so she didn’t.

They had been hunting for sources of Deuterium for a while. Using the Bussard Collectors had only produced tiny amounts and although they had contacted various other species they had stumbled upon, none of them had any or, if they did, were unwilling to trade. B’Elanna was beginning to complain loudly that the anti-matter injectors would break beyond repair if they couldn’t find some soon. Finally, they came to Lorell space. Scans showed plentiful Deuterium, a Warp capable society and they responded positively to hails. She had been in engineering at the time, discussing the damned anti matter injectors. They had only spoken to Chakotay when they had invited them to beam down to the planet.

When she had returned to the bridge Chakotay reiterated the invitation and that they were happy to discuss trading for supplies or ‘alternatives’. In hindsight, she wished she had asked what these ‘alternatives’ may have been, but she had been so grateful that they had finally found someone with what they needed she didn’t question it. She had looked out the viewscreen and seen their extensive security grid and groups of patrolling ships and the huge weapons arrays on those ships and had even said to Chakotay that they had better take phasers. Not that they had been any use.

She knew something was wrong when the representative, a man, dressed in long flowing black and red robes, who looked extremely like a human except for greenish skin and horizontal ridges coloured in a rather nice shade of turquoise along his neck, had refused to deal with her directly and would only speak to Chakotay. At first, she thought that perhaps they were like the Ferengi or Kazon. Misogynistic, but actually would accept that she was in charge once the initial confusion had been cleared. But no. This was a new level of bigotry. Not only would they not accept her as being in charge but once she was on the planet with Chakotay and Tuvok they insisted that they would only commence negotiations regarding Voyager’s needs once she had undergone a medical assessment. Just her. They accepted Chakotay’s and Tuvok’s word that they were fit and healthy and wouldn’t introduce any spectacular new disease to the planet. Women apparently were untrustworthy and far more riddled with illness than men anyway. Following this statistically unlikely assessment, she had suggested returning to the ship and conducting negotiations at a distance. But this too was met with disapproval. She had already set foot on the planet, so protocol insisted that she be assessed. She had explained the Prime Directive and how normally she wouldn’t wish to disregard any official protocol or customs, but she really was not comfortable with a medical assessment. She had hit her com badge and asked for a beam out. Nothing had happened. She tried again and again nothing happened. The delegate smiled at her and explained that their protocol also insisted on a dampening field being placed around a room where any new arrivals were.

‘Kathryn, it really is a very simple examination. All females on this planet undergo it’

‘It’s Captain Janeway, and I have already told you my answer is no’

‘Kathryn, there really is nothing invasive about it, and whilst we are completing it, we can begin negotiations with the Captain’

She heard Chakotay’s intake of breath, and she shook her head. She didn’t want these people to think she needed Chakotay to defend her.

‘As I explained gentlemen, I am the Captain. Chakotay is my First Officer’

Then, to her growing irritation, the delegate turned to Chakotay and asked:

‘Is she often this difficult? No matter. We really can’t have an unchecked female wandering around, perhaps she just needs some time to think’

The delegate clicked his fingers and two guards appeared. They went to pick her up, one under each arm, Tuvok and Chakotay grabbed phasers, but she held up her hand telling them to stand down. They needed the Deuterium, if she wasn’t in the room, they may become more reasonable and give them what they need.

‘Chakotay, they can talk to you and Tuvok about the Deuterium. I will go and discuss their medical concerns with these gentlemen’ she said indicating to the guards who were still flanking her. Chakotay didn’t look very happy about it but agreed. He asked for assurance she would not be harmed. The delegate looked shocked:

‘We never harm women. We understand the importance of keeping women calm and healthy.’

With a final concerned glance, he nodded his head and she left the area where they had beamed in.

The guards lead her to a room. It was plainly furnished with only two uncomfortable looking grey chairs and a small grey circular table. Even the walls were a light shade of grey. On the table were a collection of pamphlets. She went inside and heard the doors close behind her. There were no windows in this room and the only wall decoration was an unframed mirror set at face height. A thorough examination of the room, which only took about 10 minutes, revealed that there were no exits other than the door and she couldn’t open the door. She had tried her com badge again with no result and so had activated the homing signal in case, what she presumed was another dampening field, was deactivated. She prowled the room in frustration. What the Hell was wrong with these people? She had hoped to discuss this not be left alone in a poorly decorated cell. She heard a cracking noise and stopped dead. A voice came from somewhere:

‘Kathryn, we are giving you some time to think. Why don’t you sit down and read those pamphlets? Don’t worry, they use simple language suitable for you.’

Realising that she may as well do as she was told for now, until the crew worked out a way to get her out of here, she sat down in what was indeed a very uncomfortable chair and picked up the leaflet from the top of the pile. The title was not encouraging:

**‘The Purpose of Women’**

It didn’t improve after that. The ideas were similar to Earth’s many years ago, however, they had the interesting twist of seeing women as a separate race which had arrived on the planet some 900 years ago and had caused chaos. They had integrated themselves into the species like a virus, disrupting systems and causing all known male illness. Consequently, they had to be treated as though they were contagious and had to be held in special hospitals where they had to be kept calm and simply produce children. Idlily she wondered how they had procreated before women had appeared but happily there was also a leaflet that explained this. Men could reproduce asexually, but the female virus had disrupted this ability and now they were reliant on women to carry their young. It was basically a creation myth with a shed load of sexism thrown in for good measure.

She flicked through the other literature, but it just went into the importance of women not taxing their minds or thinking too much as this could result increased illness for men. And how women needed to be checked for illness frequently in case the virus they had brought to the planet mutated and caused problems for the men. In short, all illness was blamed on women. She was surprised they hadn’t extended this to include other things like bad weather, but this apparently hadn’t occurred to the creators. She suspected that many men did not believe this story, any more than all the people on Earth had believed in creation myths, but instead, it was simply a vessel to ensure that a patriarchy continued unhindered.


	2. It’s Hard to Know What Anything’s Worth

The door opened and the delegate appeared.

‘I’m glad to see you have calmed down. Good girl. Now you can understand why we were concerned when you became cross. I have never understood why other species allow their females to travel but they do. Putting all of the galaxy at risk.’ 

‘Every species does not share your ‘medical’ beliefs’ she countered.

‘Come now Kathryn. You have read what happened. It’s imperative that you are examined as soon as possible. If you decline then we shall have to put you in a hospital and I’m afraid Voyager will not be allowed to remain in orbit indefinitely and as I’m sure your Captain told you, we have military superiority and you are one little ship’.

It was this unsubtle warning that hit home. She hadn’t known they had military superiority, although if asked, she would have guessed it judging by the weapons arrays on the ships she had seen. But they were right about one thing, they had a whole plant’s worth of ships at their disposal. No matter how unpleasant these people were, she could not endanger the ship or her crew.

‘Fine. Do your tests. Take my blood, spit, hair or whatever else you need to conduct your tests’.

The delegate smiled a particularly saurian smile.

‘Good girl. I shall tell the doctor’.

She gritted her teeth. This man made her skin crawl with his patronising comments and predatory smiles. She’d like to see him up against B’Elanna. The man wouldn’t stand a chance. She could really do with some Klingon strength right now. The image of the delegate receiving the full force of B’Elanna’s rage was a pleasant one and she smiled. At the same moment the door opened and a man wearing a green surgical gown and mask appeared along with the two guards from earlier.

‘I’m glad to see you smile Kathryn. A calm, happy woman is what we need. Now come with me and will complete the tests and then you can get back to your Captain’.

She rolled her eyes at his back but followed him. They went down a long corridor and then another and another until they reached a suite of rooms all with purple doors. The doctor ushered her inside the first room. And patted a seat next to a desk.

‘I know you are unfamiliar with this examination so I will explain it carefully. In this room we shall need to take your blood to check for any mutations or bacteria, we will also need some skin cells for the same purpose. We will then run these samples and if the results are clear we shall move on to the next room.

‘What happens there? Why the multiple rooms’

The doctor raised the corners of his mouth, in what could have been an attempt at a smile.

‘Now Kathryn, you understand the importance of not over working your brain by asking too many questions. Roll up your sleeve’.

She did so without further argument. The man was infuriating but talking to him only prolonged the time spent with him. The doctor proceeded to collect her blood and skin cells and put the samples in to a machine which dominated the room. Whatever engineering and scientific advancements this species had made, clearly had only been channelled into weapons design. It certainly would explain people could accept the so called science behind their beliefs. It took about an hour for the samples to produce a result. She was not carrying any bacteria or other dangerous things in her blood or skin. The doctor appeared delighted at this and told her she could move on to the next room. 

Once in the next room she saw two enormous machines, one cylindrical with a door at the front and the second just a squat rectangle. There were two people, she could only assume male, stood there. The shorter of the two asked her to stand inside the cylinder. Once there a shield closed over the front trapping her there. One of the men hit a few buttons and the machinery began to whir. She was told that they would need to measure the quantity of blood she had, as too much blood was bad for women’s brains. He would also measure her bone density and muscle mass as again these things could indicate a problem. The doctor didn’t specify what that problem was, but she could guess, and her sense of unease increased. Physically strong and tall women were a threat. How could this be dealt with? Given their primitive medical equipment, she would have to place her bets on starvation. That would have the quadruple effect of reducing muscle mass, bone density, blood volume and make those women too weak to fight back. From what she had read in those pamphlets she would not put it past this species to starve any woman to death, if necessary to preserve the status quo. She gave an involuntary shudder as she thought of the hospitals they kept the women in. 

‘Now don’t panic Kathryn. I am a doctor. I know women are nervous by nature, but there is nothing to be concerned about. We just need to make sure that you haven’t overworked your body which could obviously lead to potential sickness among men. In fact, with this information, you will be helping Chakotay’s crew. You wouldn’t want them to become ill would you?’

She gritted her teeth. This doctor was worst than the first. He had kept his mouth shut at least. To prevent herself from shouting every insult and swear word she could think of, she asked the doctor how the women in his species looked different from the men. 

‘Well Kathryn, like your species, they aren’t very different to look at. Women’s neck ridges don’t have the attractive colouring and remain the same colour as the skin and of course they are smaller and weaker. Also, naturally, when they speak you can tell as they are just far less intelligent. Again, similar to your species.’

‘Not like my species at all doctor’ she spat out. 

He gave her a patronising, slightly pitying smile. 

‘Of course Kathryn, that is why you are in charge of star ship’

He and his colleague then started to giggle. They turned away but she could hear their stifled snorts of laughter. When their mirth had subsided, the doctor said to his colleague:

‘I am thinking of writing an article on the link between female delusion and the potential impact on men’s health. Sigratt wrote one last year about the rise in delusions and violence within the hospitals and I wonder if there may be connection. Perhaps we are due another mutation.’

She was looking at them intently during this exchange, coincidentally pondering how much violence she would enjoy inflicting on their collective faces, when she saw the doctor’s colleague’s expression flicker to one of fear.

‘Another mutation?’ He said

‘Well, it’s possible. Just think of each delusion like a link in a chain. The more links created the further it can reach. As women are a virus this simply extends their reach.’

‘But last time, so many died. We were all there at the centenary only last week.’

‘I know. I know. It’s very concerning. But strong research now, may prevent it.’

‘You know I am always willing to help to fight the female disease. Any help I can offer, just ask’.

‘Thank you Carrid. We will need all the soldiers we can get.’

She starred in astonishment. These people actually believed their own dogma. It wasn’t a story they told to keep 50% of the population in line. They genuinely believed it. They were patronising her because they feared her. They turned back to her and for briefest of moments, they looked frightened. The con man had bought his own snake oil. 

The two men finished their tests in silence. The only indication that they were complete was the door opening and the guard entering the room and telling her to come with him.

The final room she entered was different to the others. There was a large examination table in the centre with leg stirrups placed at a wide angle. No large machinery took up any floor space, just an examination table. Her unease had now grown so much it had skipped the anxiety stage and headed straight to fear. A man was waiting by the table. He was dressed in the surgical gown and mask of the others but had a large helmet on. Similar to those used for space walking. 

‘It was explained what this room is for, so I won’t delay the procedure further. Remove your clothes and get on the table.’

This room frightened her. Running her tongue round her mouth to unglue her teeth, she told him she did not know what this room was for.

‘It’s just a simple examination of your sexual organs. It won’t take long. I asked your Captain for a book of your species biology, which was given…’

_Oh Chakotay…_

‘I feel I am now familiar enough to know if something is amiss or may cause illness. Just do as I ask’.

‘No.’

‘Kathryn, I know you are unfamiliar with our species, but you read the leaflets, you know the risks. If you don’t do this then there will be no supplies given to Voyager as we cannot support a regime who will not allow their females to be checked. Also, and more importantly, you are endangering the planet. My medical colleagues and I take huge risks by performing these examinations. You should be grateful. If I had my way, I would insist on all the females on your Captain’s ship being examined and then held in the hospitals.’

‘You would force all the women on the ship to undergo your procedures? Even children?’ She whispered.

‘I do not have the power and we do not have the jurisdiction as they are not on the planet’s surface. However, we are concerned that they allowed you, clearly suffering from delusions, to come down to the plant. Given your delusions, it is vital we check that you are not unsafe to males’.

‘You do not believe it is possible for a woman to command a star ship? You think I am so delusional that they are just humouring me?’

‘We think they brought you here for our help. And to see how dangerous you are to other crew members.’

‘Not all species believe as you do. You must know that.’

‘All species we know believe as we do, although to different degrees. Our species and our neighbours are closely genetically related. We have only minor differences’ . 

‘Can’t you scan for the issues you are looking for?’

‘We do not possess the medical technology for this. We have limited resources in this sector and large hospitals to maintain’.

‘We have the technology on Voyager. Our doctor could perform the scan.’

‘ENOUGH. Allow the procedure to take place, or no supplies and I will ensure you are sent to a hospital.’

She rapidly looked around the room for something, anything that could be used as a weapon. Determined not to show this bastard fear, she walked purposefully towards to the door. 

‘You won’t be able to open it Kathryn and if you try, I will get the guards in here to restrain you. Now, be a good girl and take off your clothes and get on the table’.

She might be able to take the Lorell in front of her in a fight, but she doubted her chances against groups of guards. Also, Voyager had limped to this planet. Even if she could get aboard, they had powerful starships too, they could almost certainly outrun her, and they definitely out gunned her. It made her skin crawl to say it, and every cell in her body screamed, but she nodded.

Removing her clothes felt like removing her armour. Her uniform was only flimsy cloth, but it protected her. It was the barrier between her rank and all it entailed and herself. Losing it left only her. Vulnerable, alone and frightened. She climbed on to the table and put her feet in the stirrups. She kept her head turned away as she ran his hand over her breasts, poking and prodding them as though they would suddenly animate if he hit them in the correct sequence. He made some notes and headed to the foot of the bed. When he put his first finger inside of her, she hissed in pain. He forced more of his hand inside of her. His fingers hit her cervix and she willed her mind elsewhere. Images of anything other than this place. Coffee, her quarters, the time the ship had been twisted by a distortion ring and they had been unable to leave deck six, her dog. The pain had become distant and detached. The pain she could cope with. The degradation she could not. As she felt a cold metal instrument being pushed into her, try as she might she could not help the tears. As other instruments were used, she felt her mind slip slightly. Like a shelf that did not sit true. She could still think coherently, she could still name Pi to seven decimal places, name her favourite holoprogram, her favourite colour, but these things had no connection to each other. Throughout the entire examination she kept as still as possible, determined to do whatever she could to create a barrier between her body and mind. She was forced back into her body with a crash, by the doctor letting her know he was done and she could get dressed. 

‘No abnormalities that I can see. The risks you pose through viral mutation are almost certainly mental ones. I shall be recommending to your Captain that you attend intensive therapy to help overcome your delusional mindset.’

She did not argue with him. When the guards arrived she followed them silently back to Chakotay and Tuvok.


	3. The World Is Burning With A Brand New Light

‘Captain?’ Chakotay asked when she arrived back in the room to which they had originally beamed in.

‘I’m fine.’

‘Are you sure?

‘Commander, I said I am fine’.

The guards handed the representative a document, which he scanned.

‘She appears to be physically fine and not a risk to either us, or of course you. However, he is recommending that she receive therapy for her delusions. I would advise against calling her ‘Captain’ any longer. This will only enhance the delusions further and put you at serious risk of illness.’

She said nothing to this. And continued to say nothing even when Chakotay and Tuvok looked to her for a response. The representative continued:

‘We do have the Deuterium and are willing to give it to you. We power our starships very differently so it not a sort after commodity. All we ask in return is that you watch a short film we have produced for outside visitors.’

‘You do not want anything else in exchange?’ Chakotay said in surprise.

‘No. As I said, it is not a rare commodity here. One of our principle aims of first contact with a new species is education. Are you happy with the terms?’

‘Certainly.’ Replied Chakotay, glancing at her for confirmation and receiving nothing in return.

The representative beckoned for them to follow him. She was aware that Chakotay kept looking at her and opening his mouth as if to speak, before closing it again. She did not look back at him. She kept her eyes firmly on the representatives back refusing to give a member of this species even the slightest of indications of how terribly they had hurt her.

They were ushered into a dimly lit room with lines of plush red chairs facing a screen. It was reminiscent of an old Earth cinema, but with none of the charm of Mr Paris’ recreations. They were guided to the seats in the centre of the front row and once they were sat down, the lights were turned down even lower until they were left in almost total darkness. Her breathing began to quicken, and she felt has palms begin to sweat. What was happening? Were there people behind her ready to grab her? She felt her muscles tighten getting ready to jump up and run when the screen flickered into life. The screen was so bright it clearly illuminated the room and she could see that it was only Chakotay, Tuvok and herself in there. She forced her muscles to relax.

What was being screened was basically a propaganda film about the dangers of women. There was a crudely animated section depicting the planet before women arrived and the chaos that had ensued when they did. It also showed the women being forcibly detained in hospitals and the resulting calm that followed. The outbreak of disease which had occurred 100 years ago, which she had heard the doctors speak of was mentioned. The free inhabitants of the planet had started to become ill. The symptoms appeared to be similar to a common flu outbreak, which had happened so rapidly, that it spread to all continents before anyone could do anything to stop it. There was nothing unique about this outbreak that could lead any rational scientist to believe that sex was the cause. It was tragic, but sadly common on many planets. The film ended by discussing the importance of examining females and separating them from the rest of the population. She had tensed at the mention of examinations. She could not face Chakotay or Tuvok knowing of her humiliation, but the narrator did not go into any detail and ended by advising all species to follow their example.

The lights were lifted, and the representative re-entered the room.

‘Most fascinating.’ Tuvok said to the representative’s expectant face.

‘Good. I’m glad you found it informative. Will you be implementing our suggestions?’

‘You have a fascinating culture. We shall be examining this and any other information you give us, in detail.’ Replied Tuvok who had become the unexpected spokesperson for the group. Possibly because he was the only one not reeling from that stunning work of fiction that passed for science on this planet.

‘Excellent!’ The representative was now positively beaming. It will help Kathryn here too as well as any other females on your ship. Now, I will get as much Deuterium as you need and get it beamed to your ship.’

‘Thank you. This has been a most instructive first contact.’

The representative clapped his hands together in delight and smiled broadly and opened the door to allow two guards to enter before leaving in a flurry of fabric. The guards led them from that room and back down the corridor to where they had beamed in. They were told to remain in orbit for half an hour or so to allow for the transfer of Deuterium but the dampening field had been lifted and they were free to leave. The second that sentence ended she hit her com badge and asked for a beam out.

When she was safely in the transporter room, she felt she could breathe more easily. Chakotay was saying something to her about whether they should have stayed longer to find out more about this species, but she walked away from him mid-sentence. She needed to be alone to lick her wounds in peace.

She paced her quarters. Her skin was itchy and she scratched unmercilessly at her arms. A bath, that is what she needed. That may get rid of the prickly sensation she had all over. She went to the bathroom and turned the taps on full. As she was pulling her top over her head, her heart rate increased, and her stomach jumped, she looked behind her to see if someone was there, but she could see no one. 

‘Computer. Increase light levels to maximum.’ She still could see no one.

‘Computer. Who is in Janeway’s quarters?’

‘Captain Janeway is in Janeway’s quarters.’

‘No one else?’

‘No other person in is Captain Janeway’s quarters.’

She calmed her rapid breaths by breathing slowly through her nose and out through her mouth. When she felt less like she was suffocating she went to the door panel entering a series of instructions barring access to anyone without Chief of Security, essentially Tuvok’s, access codes. She went back to the bathroom. Hesitantly, looking over her shoulder she removed her clothes and climbed in the bath. The usual wave of pleasure and relaxation did not wash over her and within five minutes she was back out of the bath and had resumed pacing her room. 

‘Captain’ came Chakotay’s voice over the com. ‘We have received the Deuterium and we should be ready to leave in an hour. 

She cleared her throat. Why was it so dry? She tried to remember the last time she had drunk anything. 

‘Understood. Janeway out.’

She knew she needed to go to the bridge soon. They would expect her there for when they left. She reassured herself that no one knew what had happened. They probably thought they had performed blood tests and scans. They did not know. They could never know. She found a fresh uniform and even fresh boots, putting all the clothing she had been wearing into the replicator for recycling. They do not know she repeated to herself as she headed for the bridge.


	4. When the Wind Blows

The days passed in a murky blur with flashes of clarity. She eschewed any other contact with any of the planets they passed arguing, when questioned, that the last one had been unpleasant and that all of the planets in this part of space shared the beliefs of the Lorell. They knew something wasn’t right and they all tried in their own way to ask what had happened and what was wrong. Tuvok had been direct, Chakotay sensitive, even Mr Paris had tried clumsily via an invite to try his new holonovel. There had been loud conversations within her hearing about the importance of gender equality and the species which had ways to go before they achieved this. B’Elanna had spoken to her passionately about the misogyny that existed within Klingon culture and the impact this had on her. She recognised their efforts and despised them for it. They were pitying her. Before this she had been respected and even liked. Now they felt sorry for her. The days were hard, but she truly cursed the nights. Here, with no distractions, every humiliating detail was relived. During the day, there were times she could feel that doctor inside her, images of the planet on the view screen would suddenly appear in front of her and she would sweat and feel cut off from reality but the need to appear in control helped her manage. That safety net was not there when alone in her quarters. She could not sleep and would pace and scratch until her arms were raw. Every violation was relived, no detail was too small to be ignored by her mind. Her fear at anyone knowing what had happened was overwhelming and she would spend hours performing reassuring monologues reminding herself that they couldn’t possibly know and would never know. Maintaining their ignorance became a driving force. She worked longer and longer hours in a bid to show her competence. Eating and drinking were mechanical actions, only done as a further distraction. She was building her shields up percentile, by percentile. Nothing could hurt her. 

Although she was trying as hard as she could, she knew her behaviour was not as it was before. The lack of sleep certainly played a part, but she felt like she was talking to people through thick glass. She didn’t realise people were talking to her until they were half way through a sentence if she realised at all and her responses when she answered were slow. She kept missing obvious issues and she was beginning to become paranoid that the rest of the crew wanted her to step down and for Chakotay to lead. She needed something to change, some distraction to fill her mind. Happily, something came along. 

The first time it happened, was not her fault. It had been Chakotay’s suggestion. They were sat on the bridge and she was staring out at the stars and trying to count them. It was a hopeless task, but that didn’t matter, she had the time. Chakotay had turned to her and said:

‘Captain, there are some crewmen who I think could use your attention. It appears morale has been flagging and some extra attention from the Captain may give things a boost’

‘Should I go down there and hold a therapy session? I think The Doctor is the better person.’

She saw irritation crease Chakotay’s forehead before he continued:

‘I’m not asking you to hold a therapy session, but the lower decks are going through the same things as the senior officers. Just a little attention from you may help morale.’

‘We have a Morale Officer Commander. This is his territory.’

Chakotay’s annoyance was now written all over his face, but he answered mildly enough:

‘Just have an informal chat with them, maybe a drink. Let them know they are important as the Bridge Crew.’

She sighed. She did not want to do this. Maybe if she agreed now she could come up with an excuse later. ‘Very well. Who do you recommend?’

‘Crewman Ali. Excellent team member but having a low period. He really helps manage the crew on that deck and gives it his all.’

‘Fine. I’ll let him know.’

That was how, two days later she found herself sat on his cock, his face buried in her tits. 

The evening hadn’t started that way. She had thought of cancelling but couldn’t be bothered with the inevitable conversation with Chakotay about whether she was okay. He had come to her quarters and she had offered him dinner and they had shared a bottle of wine. She had asked questions, he had answered. She had half her mind on what he was saying when she realised her was flirting. It was elegantly done but it was flirting none the less. It came as a shock that she hadn’t seen this, usually she could spot the subtlest of flirtatious gestures. She toyed with the idea. He was good looking, similar delicate features to Dr Bashir whom she had met briefly when they docked at DS9. It would be different, and perhaps it would finally get rid of that prickly sensation and constant knots in her stomach. It took far more effort than usual to drag her typical responses to flirting to the surface, but she found she could do it with concentration. She suggested that they move to the couch and finish the bottle of wine. He then lent in to towards her and said softly:

‘I hope I haven’t misread this Captain’

He then kissed her. The sex, when it happened was mediocre and she didn’t come but that wasn’t important. And 10 minutes later they were putting their clothes back on and she was suggesting they do this again some time. Once again alone in her quarters, she felt guilt settling deep in her bones. She knew fucking your crew was not a good idea, she hadn’t felt liberated but she didn’t feel the same as what she had. Guilt was an old familiar friend. She could live with guilt. 

After Ali, crewman arrived in her quarters for dinner in regular succession. She barely remembered them. Those who she remembered were usually because it had been a frustrating evening. Crewman Platt had only wanted to discuss the issues he had with the other crewmembers. He ate slowly and loudly and went in to mind dumbing detail about everyone he worked with. Her take away had been that either everyone he worked with was some kind of masochist or there was some other mystery. She wanted to smack him out of sheer exasperation. Crewman Carlson, a former Maquis, nibbled his food, was respectful and polite but obviously more interested in Chakotay than her. It wasn’t until Crewman Gilmore arrived, she remembered the crew of the Equinox. Gilmore was sweet and apologetic, praised her cooking and was obviously using the occasion to try and give her new Captain a better picture of herself. She was so good at this that it stirred her to make a note on the crewman’s record. However, more importantly, it gave her the idea that there may be other Equinox crew who were less keen on their new Captain. 

She had demoted all the remaining Equinox crew, restricted their movement around the ship and generally given them a thorough dressing down. Now, not all of them would be interested but there must be some who would want an opportunity to take their frustrations out on her. The crewmen she had been with so far had been gentle and respectful. It wasn’t dulling the pain as it once had. The comforting guilt had gone and she was just left with her own feelings of hurt. Pushing it up a notch and fucking someone who hated her may bring her back some guilt or numbness or anything other than what she was feeling. 

Noah Lessing was angry. It was clear the moment he stepped through the doors to her quarters. She could understand why. She had almost killed him. He sat stiffly at the table and spoke politely but only responded to the questions asked and did not ask any of his own. When she got bored of the terse exchange, she asked him directly:

‘You’re angry at me? If you are, I don’t blame you for this.’

‘Yes. Your commanding officer trying to kill you is not something someone forgets easily’

She inclined her head in agreement. ‘If I said you could do anything to me. What would you do?’

‘Hit you’ was the curt response. 

‘Nothing else?’

‘I have heard the rumours. I know what you are asking.’

In the pit of her gut, alarm bells rang. The trouble was, her gut was a long way from her brain, and she had stopped listening to her gut the day that doctor her violated her. ‘Rumours?’ she asked.

‘That you have been sleeping with most of the lower decks.’

_Shit_

‘And that’s not something you’re interested in?’

He did not answer immediately and instead walked round the dinner table and picked her up by the scruff of her uniform so she forced to look at him full in the face and stand on tip toe: ‘I can do anything?’ 

She nodded her answer. He dropped her back to the floor and she stumbled awkwardly against the bulkhead bashing her shoulder. She winced and turned round to see what Lessing was doing. He was at the replicator asking for lubricant. Once he had this, he crossed the room with three long strides and kicked the sofa out from the wall. Then he turned to her, grabbed the front of her uniform and threw her towards the gap the sofa had left. She hit her head on the window and the force bounced her backwards. Lessing caught her on the rebound and pushed her over the back of the couch, so she was bent in half over the back cushions her hair falling over her face. He pulled viciously at her trouser fastening ripping the zip. Her underwear went the same way as the pants. She was glad he had asked for lubricant, even though she was sure he had done this for his own comfort rather than hers. He went hard and fast into her arse with no warning and no preparation. It was painful and unpleasant but certainly new and distracting. When he came he didn’t make a sound but dug his fingers in to her hips hard enough to bruise. He didn’t move for what felt like an age, but in reality was probably no more than seconds. She could hear him panting trying to catch his breath. Finally, he left. This encounter had left her with a headache, a large bruise over her eye (which she had taken some explaining) and bleeding and sore for days. Although he had said nothing the whole time he was fucking her, she knew his intention was that she would remember the incident every time she sat down. He deserved his revenge she supposed. 

Disappointingly, Brian Sofin was the only other Equinox crew member who had taken the bate. She remembered him because he had hog tied her. Oh, he had asked permission before he bound her wrists and ankles together, and she had agreed because at this point what did it matter? He fucked her and left her to untie herself. He even smirked at her as she left her quarters. He had probably thought she would need to call for help, but he underestimated her determination. She had resorted to chewing her way through the ribbon he had used to bind her wrists. White pieces of satin had got stuck in her teeth and hurt, but she kept going until she had her hands free. He hadn’t been angry like Lessing; he had wanted to humiliate her like he felt she had humiliated him. 

She may have continued this pattern indefinitely if she hadn’t dined with Crewman Stewart. He saw what she was after, but he also saw the reason. He hadn’t wanted sex, but he did give her something else to help.

She had been going through her now practiced routine, when he stopped her.

‘Captain, I have heard what the others are saying these meetings are for, and I’ll save us both time. I’m not interested. I have a wife back home and regardless of the situation I made a promise to her. But if you are looking for some help with our situation, I might have something. 

She raised an eyebrow in response.

‘When we were first lost out here, I wouldn’t cope either. All I could think about were the people I may never see again. I mourned them. Mourning everyone you love is, well, I couldn’t do it without help. I am telling you this, because, well, you have flung protocol out the airlock so this is a you report me, I’ll report you situation.’

She acknowledged his terms with a wry smile: ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a little chemical help. I call it Delta Blues’.

‘Clever. But what is it?’

‘its base is Diamorphine, and old Earth drug, but I added some more modern enhancements. It doesn’t make anything better. But it makes it feel further away.’

‘Further away sounds nice.’

He got up from the table and walked to the replicator. He asked for Delta Blues 44 and a tourniquet and brought the replicated material back to the table. 

‘44?’

‘My own joke.’ He replied with a shrug.

He held out a thin tube with a plunger at the top and a very thin metal point at the other. ‘What is that?’

‘I couldn’t make the formula work for a hypospray, so I had to use a more archaic method. It’s a syringe. You put the metal end, the needle, in your vein and you push down on the plunger.’

She pulled a face at this. 

He knelt next to her and rolled up her sleeve. ‘Do you want to try it?’

Nodding her agreement, he wound a tourniquet round the top of her arm and patted the underside of her elbow. Next he gently slid the needle into her vein and injected the Delta Blues. The effects were fairly immediate. She didn’t feel good or bad or high or low, but of that pain was out of reach. Even if she tried to feel it, she couldn’t. The memories hadn’t gone, but she had no emotional response to them. Like they belonged to someone she didn’t know. She rationally understood that it was a horrible experience, but she couldn’t relate to it. Stewart was speaking to her, but even that sounded too far away to hear:

‘Some things to remember, the base of this is a pain killer, so if you hurt yourself, the injury may be worse than you think. It isn’t as physically addictive as the drugs it’s based on, but there are withdrawal symptoms so be careful how often you use it. And finally, the dose you’ve had is a high one. It’s the one I used, but I’m bigger and heavier than you. I’m going to enter into the replicator a modified version. You’ll be able to work on the lower dose. Just ask for Delta Blues 45.’

She heard him, and muttered her agreement, but she was getting so sleepy. She felt him pick her up and lay her on her own bed, before lowering the light levels and heading out of the door.

‘Stewart?’

‘Yes Captain?’

‘Do you still use this?’

‘Only on very bad days. Good night Captain.’


	5. Sick of Feeling Sick

The Delta Blues certainly helped. She could function better. On Stewart’s modified dose, she could think perfectly clearly. The only downside was that although it kept the unwanted feelings at bay, it also kept wanted ones too. It was very strange. She could understand jokes and think they were funny but couldn’t laugh. She had taken to faking laughter and smiles. She knew the crew thought she was better, they had stopped treating her like an unexploded bomb. 

It was a Sunday, and it was strange that she knew the day as in space days lost all meaning. It was Sunday they encountered one of the Lorell’s friends. They had headed into their space and they were a particularly jingoistic species. Not quite on a par with the Devore, but they would have got on at dinner parties. 

The Lonvari, for that was their name, had pulled a long side Voyager and fired a warning shot. She had immediately opened communications and was greeted by someone who looked remarkably like representative from the Lorell home world. She had really tried not to use Stewart’s concoction every day, and today was a fucking day she hadn’t used it. Not only was she constantly thinking about replicating some, she now had to deal with the sheer panic that gripped her. 

‘Unknown species, you have entered Lonvari space. What is your purpose here?’

Her voice shook a little as she replied but she answered: ‘We’re just passing through. We are from the Alpha Quadrant and we are trying to get home.’

‘Women? You have women aboard your ship?’

She heard Chakotay hiss out ‘fucking hell.’ Before answering: ‘Yes, we do. We have had contact with the Lorell who I think you know.’

‘You have met with the Lorell? They are usually so sensible. I assume they examined your females?’

‘Only our Captain went to the planet, but they examined her. They had no concerns.’

She winced at the mention of examinations, but happily no appeared to notice and the conversation continued:

‘Captain?’

Chakotay waved an arm in her direction.

‘You have a female Captain? This is unheard of. I am surprised the Lorell accepted this.’

‘They didn’t’ answered Chakotay shortly. ‘Now, if you allow us through your space, we will happily use the shortest route you can plot for us.’

‘We do not normally allow unknown species through our space, however, as you have women on board, we do not wish to delay you. The risks are too high. I shall speak to our central command. Stand by.’

What little control she had had been drained and the moment the viewscreen went blank, fear took over, she gripped Chakotay’s sleeve. ‘We have to get out of here. We cannot…. They cannot… We need to leave.’

Chakotay looked at her hard and tried to put his arm across her shoulder, she flinched away: ‘What happened Kathryn? We all assumed they just did a blood test, maybe a few scans, what did they do to you?’

She shook him off and ran from the bridge. She just needed some space. Like Stewart said, this was a very bad day. She ran to her quarters and replicated Delta Blues. In her panic she was unable to find her tourniquet, so she pulled the lace out of a pair of boots. Her veins were not cooperating. The arm she usually used was bruised black on the inside with swollen raised sections. She frantically tried the other arm. This time she was in luck. She managed to stick the needle in and push down. The panic began to subside. The physical sensations she had felt when the Lonvari had appeared on the screen began to move away from her and her emotions became just smudges on the edge of a viewscreen. As her thoughts became clearer, she remembered her outburst at Chakotay. She would have to find some explanation for that. Hell, why should she? She would just refuse to discuss it. It was a strategy that had worked for so far. She would return to bridge and act like nothing had happened. 

‘Captain, they have given us permission to pass through their space’ Chakotay told her when she returned to the bridge. She knew him too well. He was trying to read her face and work out what had happened. Why the Captain who had beamed in to a cube to bargain with The Borg had run away from someone on a viewscreen. Even now, the moment she saw the viewscreen, despite being full of Delta Blues she was still a little on edge. He must have seen fear on her face because he quickly added: ‘They do not need to examine any of the women, as long as we stop at no colonies or even uninhabited planets.’

‘How long will it take us to pass through?’

‘Approximately four days at Warp 9.’

‘Do it.’

Voyager leapt into life. ‘Chakotay, can I see you in my Ready Room?’

‘Of course.’

He waited until the door closed before he spoke. ‘Captain, what has been going on? I know something happened. Talk to me.’

Ignoring him and his sympathy, she didn’t want his sympathy: ‘I’ve been thinking, and I think it’s time I took some leave. I’m always telling others to make sure they have regular leave and I never do, and it’s…’

Chakotay interrupted. ‘I agree Kathryn. You need a break. Take it.’ He looked as though he wanted to continue, but at the last minute thought better of it.

‘Good. I was thinking to take leave from today and return in a week.’

‘Sure. Sounds good. Could you do one thing for me? Every night, can you just check in so I know you’re okay? I don’t care what the time is.’

She signed inwardly, but it was easier to agree. ‘Fine’ she replied. 

She dismissed him with a nod. He stood there, again looking like he wanted to say something, but in the end just turned and left. 

She looked at her computer and thought about finishing some of things she had started but decided she couldn’t be bothered. What was the point, she wasn’t thinking clearly, she felt on edge and just wanted to be in her quarters where she felt safer. Normally when she took leave, she would spend time on the holodeck, or reading or simply doing the things she generally didn’t have time to do. Not his time. The drug was failing her, and she needed her alternative fix. Scrolling through the list of crewmen she already knew, she picked out the most enthusiastic.


	6. When the Ravens Leave the Tower

It wasn’t working. It was only the evening of day three of her leave and it wasn’t working. She had slept with 11 crewmen, taken the drugs every day, paced and scratched but she didn’t feel any better. She had another three crewmen booked for this evening. Why wasn’t this helping anymore? 

When the last crewman left, she knew this couldn’t go on. She went to the replicator and asked for a higher dosage of Delta Blues. She sat on her bed, took a deep breath and pushed down on the syringe. 

She learnt later that Chakotay had been so worried when she hadn’t checked in that night, he had sought out Tuvok and asked him to go with him and see if she was alright. When she hadn’t answered the door, they had used Tuvok’s security codes to enter and had found her unconscious, barely breathing, half naked covered in half the lower deck’s semen. Not that they knew it at the time. They had thought she had been infected with a Delta Quadrant pathogen. Apparently, the sheets had been so sticky they had been unwilling to remove them in case it had been a symptom of an unknown illness and they were worried it would damage her skin to try and take them off. They had requested an emergency site to site transport to sick bay, which is where she woke up. 

When she opened her eyes she saw the Doctor standing over her. At least she thought it was the doctor. The lights behind him were so bright that at first, she had been unable to identify who it was. 

‘Captain, you’re awake.’

‘Doctor?’

He moved whatever light source was behind him and she could see more clearly. ‘I managed to stabilise your systems and healed most of your internal injuries but you might still feel groggy.’

She pushed herself up to sitting. Tuvok and Chakotay were stood by the other biobed. They were looking at her with relief. Well Chakotay was. Tuvok’s face did not alter from its usual expression. She looked down and saw she was wearing a hospital gown. The image of the Lorell doctor was all she could see. She closed her eyes again tight and when she opened them again, only the Doctor was there. 

‘My clothes doctor?’

He handed them to her. ‘Get dressed and then there is something we need to discuss’.

She walked shakily to the empty next room and put on her uniform. Shit, she wasn’t wearing underwear. Who had undressed her? She drew her breath in sharply as the felt the Lorell doctor touching her. She breathed deeply trying to clear the sensation. What had happened? The last thing she remembered was fucking Crewman Mendez. She had chosen him because he liked it a little rougher than most. He would ask her to call him Captain and would whip her with a riding crop. His safe word was Janeway. The fetishization didn’t bother her per se, but she wished he was a little more imaginative. She looked down at her thighs. The distinctive bruises were still there. She dressed slowly, putting off the inevitable. When she returned, they were all stood in the same positions as she had left them. 

‘Captain, I am relieving you of command under Regulation 121 Section A. You are unfit to command at present and have shown behaviour that indicates seriously impaired judgement. As the next highest ranking officer Chakotay will become acting Captain. 

‘Doctor, I am perfectly capable of running the ship.’

‘I disagree. You were injecting yourself with an unknown drug. You overdosed on this drug. You have shown extremely unwise judgement regarding your relationships with the crew. It has been reported that you are distracted, disengaged and you have some serious injuries which you failed to report. ‘

‘It’s a few bruises doctor.’

‘I’m not talking about the bruises. You had some serious internal injuries, to say nothing of the infection in your arm. Which if you had continued to ignore, may have necrotised.’ 

‘I’m fine Doctor. Maybe a little tired.’

She went to leave sickbay, but Chakotay and Tuvok stood in her way. 

‘Gentlemen?’

‘I am sorry Captain. But l agree with the Doctor. I am concerned that your judgement is impaired and as your friend I am concerned for your health.’ said Tuvok. 

Chakotay then chimed in: ‘Kathryn, the Doctor wants you confined to quarters. Your replicator will be taken offline but whatever you want will be brought to you. I will personally see to it. This isn’t a punishment.’

‘Then why am I confined to quarters like someone who is being punished?’

‘You aren’t well. You are not yourself.’

‘And if I refuse?’

Chakotay and Tuvok looked at each other, but it was the Doctor who spoke. ‘You know that failure to submit to relief is a court martial offence. You will be put in the brig, in part for your own safety.’

She snorted her response. But went back towards the biobed and sat on the end of it:

‘Fine.’ She said raised her arms up in mock defeat. ‘Do you want to carry me there or can I walk?’

‘The Doctor has arranged a site to site transport. He thought it would be more discreet.’

She rolled her eyes at him and as he requested the beam out.

Chakotay and her stood in her quarters. She felt she hadn’t seen them properly in weeks. She had deliberately kept the light levels extremely low when crewmen had come round. Now in the bright light of, well not day, but normal light levels she could see they were a mess. There were clothes littering the floor and several used needles lying around on surfaces. Dirty plates were stacked up in one corner and bloody towels were spread over the bed and sofa. She forgot they were there. She had rather got used to the vaginal and anal bleeding, so much so it seemed normal. She hoped he wouldn’t go into the bathroom. It was worse. It was covered in bloody tissues and toilet roll, which she used when on shift and couldn’t cover the Captain’s chair. Maybe the doctor was right, and she had had some internal injuries. 

‘Sorry for the mess. I wasn’t expecting any visitors.’

She caught the ever so slight smirk that had formed at the edge of Chakotay’s lips and corrected herself:

‘Well, only visitors who could give me what I needed’

She enjoyed a private victory as his face fell. 

‘We were friends once Captain. I want to be again. But I need you to talk to me.’

The silence hung in the air like a bad air freshener. With a sigh Chakotay went to small heap of used crockery and picked it up and put them in the replicator. He went methodically round the room picking up items and placing them in the replicator before instructing the computer to take the replicator offline. Whilst he was doing this, he delivered a little speech about how concerned they had been when they found her and what they thought had happened. She watched him impassively. He was helping her, but probably not in the way he had intended. All this little by play demonstrated was that they had not searched her quarters. When he had finished, he turned to her and said:

‘If you do want someone to talk to, any time, day or night, I’ll come running.’

This did not appear to require a response, so she remained silent. 

He then went to leave, but before he did, he added:

‘I mean it Kathryn. Any time, whatever you want to say, I want to listen.’

She waited until she was alone, before lifting her mattress. Stored carefully underneath was several syringes of Delta Blues 44 and 45. She had done this whilst she was on leave, when she had become worried about losing primary power through a Lonvari attack or through lack of supplies. Now this paranoia had paid off, she still had access, she wouldn’t have to hear, see, feel or fear anything she didn’t want to. She took out one of the syringes and aligned the needle with her vein and pushed down the plunger. Due to the counteractive drugs the Doctor had given her, she was completely clean, and the effect was amazing. Fairly instantly all her feelings floated away. With the help of Delta Blues 44 she slumped back on her bed and fell asleep.


	7. Not Caring at All

The first two weeks of her confinement followed a predictable pattern. She refused to ask for anything from the security officers posted outside her quarters, so every evening Chakotay would arrive with coffee and food and one sided conversation. It was one sided because in part she was too wrapped up in the protective blanket named Delta Blues 44 and partly because she had nothing to say to him. He would ensure she was up to date with what was happening on the ship and then could give her the latest gossip that had been floating around. He would always finish by asking her how she was and her answer was always the same: ‘Fine.’ Some days she had an urge to show him the new track marks up her arm, juts to show him that he didn’t control her, other days, she wanted to scream at him to let her out, but most of the time she was just numb and that was just ‘fine’.

Most of the time she slept. As the Doctor had cleaned her system, the 44 dose was high enough that it still made her tired. Sometimes her sleep was interrupted by Tuvok offering to play Kal-toh or meditate with her or the Doctor checking up on her. The Doctor’s first visit alarmed her as she thought he would notice straight away the influence of Delta Blues 44, but if he did, he didn’t comment. He asked her how her injuries were healing and whether she was in any discomfort. She denied any pain and had backed away from him when he came near her. He didn’t try and come near her again.

By the third week she was becoming worried her stock of Delta Blues would be exhausted before they let her out. She knew they would refuse to put her replicator back online. Perhaps she could convince one of the security guards to replicate some more. She went to the door, there was only one guard on duty, possibly because she hadn’t created any trouble for two weeks and they thought one would suffice. She was in luck. It was Ensign Smith. Ensign Smith had the unfortunate reputation of being exceptionally unlucky in the dating department. Maybe he would be desperate enough to get her what she wanted. He almost fell over when she had opened the door.

‘Is there anything I can get you Captain’ he asked springing to attention.

‘Maybe. Perhaps if you come inside we can discuss it.’

‘Ma’am, I am not meant to leave my post’ he replied hesitantly.

‘You are there to make sure I don’t leave. You can do that inside my quarters just as well as out.’

He conceded her logic and went in. He stood awkwardly by the door until she ushered him over to the sofa. Then followed a slightly awkward discussion/flirt, whereby she asked the crewman to replicate her some 44 and in return she would do whatever he wanted on the couch. He sat silently for a moment and then told her about all the times his dates had failed to go anywhere and how it had made him lonely and that his mental health was being affected. Whilst she didn’t doubt the mental health issues caused by loneliness, he was basically saying that replicating her what she wanted, and thereby getting to have sex with her, would so improve his psychological state that his actions could be completely justified. She mmmmmed her agreement whilst also thinking it was a terrible piece of self justification. Whatever. It suited her.

‘Would you do anything I wanted?’ Ensign Smith asked.

‘Yes.’ She answered. Why elaborate or come up or an arbitrary set of rules. She knew that when it came to it, there was nothing she wouldn’t do. Her former lines had been crossed a while ago and there was no turning back. He almost scampered out of her quarters and returned approximately half an hour later. He apologised for how long it had taken, but he had wanted to go to several replicators in different parts of the ship to avoid being seen leaving his post and avoid awkward questions. She thanked him and put the syringes under part of the deck cover in her bathroom. When she returned, he was standing up leaning from foot to foot as though he urgently needed the toilet. As it turned out he was just nervous about asking her what he wanted her to do. To ease his anxiety she asked him directly, what he wanted:

‘Would you, suck my cock Captain?’

She was surprised he said something so tame, she had expected some serious kinks to account for the nerves. She dropped to her knees in front of him and ran her hand down the outside of the front of his trousers. She felt him shudder as she undid the fastenings and then began to run her hand up and down his dick. Just as she was about to put his cock in her mouth, he stopped her to ask whether she was wearing lipstick. She confirmed that she was, and he just smiled. He didn’t explain why he had asked, and she didn’t care enough to probe. Maybe he just liked lipstick marks on his cock. She ran her tongue down the shaft before relaxing her throat. It didn’t take long before he came. She started to stand up to go and spit in the sink when he asked her to swallow ‘for him.’ She did so and he thanked her. She was beginning to find this whole situation slightly ridiculous and she very much wanted him to leave.

‘I’m on duty all this week Captain. I’ll bring you some more of what you want tomorrow and we could make love after.’

She cringed at the expression but agreed. He gave her the time of his shift and requested she wear her uniform. Maybe he did have hidden kinks after all.


	8. Armed With the Past

After Ensign Smith’s seventh visit, and there could be more than one a day, she was beginning to understand why his dates always ended badly. The man was awkward but at the same time oddly demanding. A particularly unattractive mix. The first night he had fucked her, he had told her (and he had told, not asked) to keep the top half of her uniform on and just before he came had pushed her off him, shoved her backwards so she was lying on her back on the sofa and came across her pips. Not that his aim had been brilliant. He had then declared that she was his sex doll and it had not improved after that. He was a lover of sex toys and double penetration and liked her to keep them inside her past of the point of overstimulation before shoving his cock in whichever hole called to him that day. She had no issue with toys, but his were a different breed. He had some he had picked up from Hell knows where which linked to this own excitement through a basic neural interface. In short the more excited he got the harder the toys worked. He also had ones which were spiked. Some of the spikes were of the soft silicone variety but others were tipped with metal, so any movement the wrong way would result in blood. He said they made sure someone remained in the position he wanted them in. Smith was a sadist as well as a creep who had, one memorable evening, called her his junkie whore. Two archaic words he had found in the database and thought applied to her. She hadn’t known their meaning, but he took pains to enlighten her. He always brought 44 with him, usually several syringes, but she was struggling to repress a desire to smack him hard in the balls. In the end she never needed to do this, as on his ninth trip to her quarters they were caught.

She felt impervious to embarrassment at this point, but even she blushed when Chakotay suddenly entered her quarters that evening. Smith had chosen this particular evening to try his spiked toys in a new position. He had handcuffed her hands behind her back, whilst she knelt, bent forward with her head on the floor directly in front of the doors to her quarters. It was a spectacularly uncomfortable position because she had to distribute her weight between her knees and head and was unable to move because she had no leverage. So, when Chakotay came rushing in he a) nearly walked straight in to them b) she was naked and handcuffed and c) the good Ensign pounding was her arse. She had never seen Chakotay so furious. He flung Smith off her and yelled at him to get dressed and leave. Naked and trembling Smith had scrambled into his trousers and left half dressed. Chakotay had shouted at her to get up, and when she didn’t he shouted even louder. Embarrassed as she was, she was getting a little annoyed that he hadn’t realised she couldn’t move.

‘I can’t’ she havered back

‘Kathryn. You are making this one crappy day. Why can’t you?’

She lifted her arms a little to draw attention to the cuffs: ‘Key’s on the table.’

‘Fuck’s sake’ Chakotay muttered but went over the table and retrieved the keys. He then walked behind her to unlock the cuffs. She was now acutely embarrassed as she knew he would be able to see Mr Smith’s spiked toy wedged up her arse. But happily, he didn’t comment. She eased herself up her limbs stiff from being held in that position for too long. She hissed from the pain of the spiked toys still inside her. She eased them out and watch the blood trickle down her legs. She heard Chakotay’s sharp intake of breath and felt a soft piece of fabric being put over her. It was her dressing gown. She hurriedly put this on. She knew her face was tear stained from the pain of the Ensign’s devices and she must have looked a bit of wreck. This didn’t temper Chakotay’s assault when it came.

He had berated her for about 20 minutes before running out of steam. He had said some unpleasant truths and astutely guessed from the bruises down her arms, that the Ensign had been bringing her the drugs in exchange for sex.

‘Have you looked at yourself recently?’ he said

She shrugged.

‘Well, let me tell you. You look like shit. What the Hell have you been doing? No, don’t answer that. You need to go to sick bay.’

‘No.’

‘Not an option Miss Janeway.’ Apparently she had sunk far enough to be removed of rank and first name.

‘I’m not going.’ She then added childishly ‘And you can’t make me.’

He had been stood at least two meters away from her throughout the whole conversation, but now he moved towards her and gripped her at the top of her arms. He looked like he was about to start shouting again but his whole body sagged instead.

‘What can I do Kathryn? I don’t know what to do. I thought this would keep you safe, but it didn’t. I thought your injuries had been healed but now there are more, I thought you just needed some time and then you would talk to me, but you haven’t. What do I do with a crew member who has hit self destruct? What would you do? I need your help.’

Her conscience twanged uncomfortably. She desperately wanted to tell him how lost and scared she was. How the Lorell had taken away a part of her core and now she didn’t know how to stand. How she didn’t want to tell him before because she feared losing the crew’s respect. She wanted to cry and for him to tell her it would be alright. But all she did was shake her head. Chakotay sighed and asked for two to beam to sick bay.


	9. Found With No Friends

They arrived in sick bay. The Doctor looked up and by his expression was shocked by what he saw. Well according to Chakotay she looked like shit, and he wasn’t a man given to wild exaggeration. Her hair lay limply round her face, which was no doubt grubby and with possible carpet burns. She was wearing a none too clean dressing gown and had trails of blood snaking down her legs to her feet. Without needing to look at herself, she ruefully concluded Chakotay was probably right. The Doctor didn’t address her directly and instead spoke to Chakotay.

‘What happened? I thought she was in her quarters?’

‘She was. She got an Ensign to agree to replicate her more drugs in exchange for sex. The Ensign in question was….. rough.’

‘So I see.’ Replied the Doctor raising an eyebrow. ‘What damage will I be repairing this time?’

‘Probably similar to before. But she didn’t want to come here. I don’t think she’ll accept treatment.’

‘Well, she conscious, so that’s an improvement. The Doctor turned to her and began to approach, she backed off as far as she could. ‘Captain, I am going to need to assess the damage.’

‘Like Hell you are.’ She answered, trying to move further back, but finding herself up against the wall of the Doctor’s office. 

The Doctor turned to Chakotay. ‘I will have to sedate her if she won’t let me near her. She may have potentially fatal internal injuries.’

Chakotay just nodded. She shot Chakotay death glance, and he looked down at the floor: ‘I don’t know what else to do Kathryn.’ He almost whispered. 

What ensued next was something of a French farce, she kept dodging the Doctor and his hypospray and he kept trying to corner her. All skits must finally end and the Doctor finally caught up to her against the wall. She tried to hit him but obviously this did no good and her arm just went through him. He administered some form of sedative. The last thing she heard was the Doctor shouting ‘medical emergency.’


	10. Hopes and Dreams That Lay Lifeless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have re-written this chapter several times and this is the best I can do!

She felt herself drift back to consciousness. She didn’t know how long she had been asleep, but she didn’t want to face the room so she kept her eyes shut listening to the conversation between the Doctor and Chakotay:

‘How badly was she hurt Doctor?’

‘She had some fairly severe vaginal and anal tearing and her system was full of the Diamorphine based substance. But she hadn’t overdosed, and her arms were not infected. She is however physical and probably psychologically addicted to it.’

Chakotay’s tone took on a sarcastic edge: ‘She was prostituting herself to get the damned stuff, I could have guessed she was addicted.’

‘Don’t shoot the hologram Commander. However, you should know that whoever she was sleeping with was very cruel. He used devices that most certainly are not designed for human reproductive parts. I would recommend that crew member be placed under some intense supervision.’

‘Oh, he will be. It was definitely one person?’

‘As far as I could tell. Only one DNA pattern was present.’

‘Could she have died from the injuries she sustained?’

‘Unlikely, but if she kept going, perhaps. As I said, this crew member has a penchant for cruelty.’

‘What do I do Doctor? How do I stop this? What’s wrong with her?’

‘I can give her something to stop the physical cravings, but psychologically, there is nothing I can prescribe. There is no quick fix to this Commander, she needs intensive psychiatric help.’

‘It all started when we encounter the fucking Lorell. When she saw the Lonvari she was terrified. She ran from the bridge. She came back fairly quickly and seemed fine. She probably took a dose of whatever it’s called.’

There was a pause in conversation before the Doctor said: ‘She’s scared of me.’ 

‘Is she?’ The surprise was evident in Chakotay’s voice.

‘Yes. Whenever she sees me, she puts as much physical distance between us as possible, her respiratory rate increases, and her pupils dilate. She saw a doctor on the Lorell home planet?’

‘Yes, they demanded some medical examinations. She has refused to discuss them. I assumed they took blood, did some scans, maybe asked some too personal questions.’

‘Well, I would diagnose Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She’s irritable, distanced and can’t concentrate. Although this has not been reported to me, she probably has poor sleep patterns and flashbacks and has been using this drug to counteract this. Given her fear of me, which was certainly not there prior to that first contact, I would suggest it was a doctor who did something and I doubt it was asking awkward questions.’

‘So what do I do? How can I help her?’

‘She needs psychological help. Usually I would suggest the ship’s counsellor, but obviously that’s not a solution here.’

‘I can search her quarters make sure she has none of that stuff left in there, but clearly I can’t just post security there all the time. She’ll find someone who’ll do the same thing and Tuvok and I cannot be there all the time.’

She’d had enough of their ramblings. She did not need to be ‘kept safe’. She knew what she was doing and however grateful she was to be spared any more of Ensign Smith’s games, she did not need to listen to Chakotay and the Doctor’s handwringing conversations any longer. She sat up:

‘Gentlemen, all I need is to be back on the bridge.’

Chakotay gave a start and both he and the Doctor turned around. The Doctor’s algorithms recovered first, because he unnecessarily said:

‘Captain, you’re up.’

She said nothing to allow the stupidity of this remark to sink in. 

‘Obviously.’ The Doctor continued. 

She swung her legs over the side of the biobed and made to jump off. The Doctor stopped her with a shout. He told her that she may be a little dizzy and so should go slowly. Chakotay approached her and handed her a uniform. He told her to get dressed and then they could meet together to discuss what they were going to do. 

She found herself once more in the empty room off the main sick bay. At least this time she was wearing her own clothes. Even if those clothes consisted of an extremely grubby dressing gown and nothing else. The blood had been cleaned off but she felt sore. She realised she was also feeling. Not only physical discomfort but also actual feelings. The Doctor must have purged her system again. Great. She started to prepare her internal defences the questions she knew were going to come. Maybe she should just say that she wished to return to work, that time spent alone was counterproductive. She knew this was a weak argument, but she was too tired to come up with a better one. Once in uniform she walked back into the main room. 

‘Captain.’ Began the Doctor. She raised a hand to gesture him to stop. ‘I need coffee.’ Chakotay smiled at her and went to the replicator and order a black coffee. He brought this to her and then perched on the end of a biobed. 

‘Captain’ the Doctor began again, again she interrupted: ‘I know what you are going to say, and what I need is to be back on the bridge. Any more time spent locked in my quarters is just wasted time. I would be far more use on the bridge.’

‘Captain’, the Doctor said a third time. He waited for an interruption and when none came he continued: ‘I cannot reinstate you. The reasons you were relieved of duty have not changed.’

‘You want me just to rot in my quarters?’

‘We want you to get better’ Chakotay said softly.

‘I am getting very tired of your self righteous attitude Commander. I am well, I am coping and if you at all interested in helping you would agree that I should be on the bridge. So that is where I am going.’

She walked towards the doors of sick bay. Chakotay and the Doctor moved to intercept. She attempted to push past them, but they held her by the arms. The Doctor was reiterating regulations blah blah blah, failure to submit to relief blah blah court martial offence. She kicked out and attempted to bite Chakotay’s arm so they pinned her to the floor. 

‘Transporter room. Two to beam to the brig.’

‘The brig sir?’ came the voice over the comm system.

‘Yes, damn it, the brig.’

Just her, Chakotay, Ensign Murphy and Ensign Murphy’s phaser rifle were in the room containing the brig when he let her go and allowed her to stand up. He had yelled at everyone else to leave. 

‘Fuck it Kathryn. What is wrong with you?’ Said Chakotay nursing his arm. She glowered at him. She was pleased to see that they had not been transported into the brig itself, there may still be a way out.

‘You are going to talk to me. If I have to sit here all night you will talk to me.’

_Silence_

‘You think this is normal? You think is how you usually behave? You could have died Kathryn! You have injected fuck knows what into your body, you had serious internal injuries, not once, but twice, you were found unconscious covered at least 15 crew members ejaculate. This is..’

She didn’t let him get any further. ‘So that’s what this is about? Should I have just fucked you on New Earth? Would that have scratched that particular sore point?

‘That isn’t what I’m saying and you know it.’ Chakotay shouted. ‘What were you going to do Kathryn when you had run out of crew from the lower decks? Keep working your way up the ranks?’

‘Worried I would have missed you out Commander?’ she answered with a sneer. ‘I can sleep with whomever I choose.’

‘Just listen to yourself for a minute. Of course you can have a relationship with anyone you like, but this just isn’t you. ‘

She was bored of this conversation, she just wanted to get out of her and back to her quarters where she knew she had a supply of Delta Blues. She addressed her next point directly to Ensign Murphy and wiling up her most charming smile said: ‘Ensign, tell me, it must get boring just guarding the brig all day.’

The Ensign sprang to attention: ‘Captain. I enjoy the work.’

‘I’m sure you do, but there must be something I can do to brighten your day? Why don’t you put down that phaser rifle and we’ll go to my quarters and get to know each other.’

‘Kathryn, do you hear yourself? You are flirting with an Ensign, who you barely know, who is guarding you in the brig.’

She walked towards Ensign Smith, scowling at Chakotay as she passed him. 

‘He’s not feeling very well at the moment Ensign. Why don’t you and I go and discuss your work and anything else you want to talk about.’

The Ensign looked nervously at Chakotay. ‘Leave but wait outside the door.’ The ensign hesitated. ‘LEAVE’ roared Chakotay. The Ensign scuttled outside.

‘Well, as you are so keen on talking to people, I would go and speak to him. You’ve probably traumatised him.’ She said softly, flippantly flapping a hand in the direction the traumatised Ensign had gone.

‘Enough. Just enough Kathryn’ said Chakotay in an unconscious echo of the Lorell doctor. I can’t make you talk, but I can keep you safe. You will stay here until the Doctor and I can come up with a treatment plan. It’s not ideal, but it’s the best I can do under the circumstances.’

Perhaps it was the effects of withdrawal, perhaps it was a build up of weeks of fear and anger, perhaps it was simply that she was now feeling some of the physical pain from her various injuries, but she saw red. She screamed at Chakotay that he would never take her ship from her and she would rather die than be stuck in the brig and for the whole crew to know of her disgrace. She was now a different Janeway. She didn’t know where the old Janeway had gone, but she had left. This Janeway was not going to allow some Maquis sympathising, Star Fleet betraying DICK to take away the only thing she had left. And she would make this known loudly and violently if necessary. She flew at Chakotay, she had no strategy, she just wanted him to shut up and go away. She hit him across the cheek bone and a sickening crack echoed round the room. He went to grab her arms but she side stepped and placed her boot as hard as she could behind his knee. He went down like a tree in a storm and showing an astonishingly good level of foresight, hit his comm badge as he fell and asked for security to the brig. As security was only just outside the door, it was all over fairly quickly. With a single shot, Ensign Murphy brought her down. 

The phaser had only been set to stun. She woke up for the second time that day with the Doctor looking down at her. This time however she was behind the forcefield of Voyager’s brig. She had never been stunned before. It was not pleasant. All her muscles ached and her head hurt. She struggled to sit up.

‘Lie still, I’m a doctor not wrestling coach.’

She flopped back on the bench of the brig. The Doctor administered a hypospray and told her it would help with the effects from the phaser rifle. He then tapped his mobile emitter and transferred himself back to sickbay or wherever he was spending his time these days. It was only her, two security team members and her thoughts left in the brig. She had often wondered what people did when stuck in the brig. There was nothing to distract the eye, or sound to distract the ears, it was just stillness. She had been running from her thoughts and feelings for the past couple of months or so and now they had finally caught up with her. She spent the next 12 hours with the last few months’ worth of emotions. The whispers and growls she had heard in her drug induced dreams now filled her mind, all the flashbacks that that she pushed away with sex and chemicals were now surrounding her, the noise and sensations were too much. Her last act of desperation was to slam her head into the wall of the brig. In the darkness lay freedom.


	11. Epilogue

**Acting Captain’s Final Personal Log USS Voyager**  
This is Kathryn’s story, not mine. It’s her voice that needs to be heard. She spent those last months’ silent, so I will raise my voice for her. She didn’t know it, but we were only six months away from home. She was our strength and determination for six and a half years; I didn’t want the last few months of her life to define her. I do blame myself. If I hadn’t forced her into the brig and left her with just two security officers, if I had stayed with her, perhaps things would have been different and she would be here to tell her own story. She had tried to hide what had happened and hide the fear and humiliation she was feeling, and I humiliated her again. I had taken away her safety net and left her to free fall. 

We went back to the Lorell to try and find answers. Only Tuvok and I went down to the surface. I was not going to risk any more members of the crew. I asked if we could discuss their examination processes in more detail. They happily obliged. We even asked if we could see the Captain’s report. This was handed over without reservation. They did not see that they had done anything wrong. I told them the Captain was dead and they told us that the truth can have this effect on some women. If Tuvok had not put his hand on my shoulder, I would have killed them. I might have killed them. For her, for me, for revenge. Perhaps I should have. For those last months she had been trying to tell us what was wrong, but we didn’t hear. I just saw her become more and more closed off and act in ways I couldn’t understand. What she faced at the hands of the Lorell was horrendous. It was rape dressed up as science. She did it to ensure Voyager received the resources she needed. It was this selfless act that hurt her so deeply she didn’t recover. 

We kept her with us. I couldn’t bear to leave her alone in the Delta Quadrant. When we got home, I ensured she was buried with full Star Fleet honours. We didn’t tell the crew the truth. Kathryn’s story was too private, and she had tried so hard to prevent anyone finding out what had happened that to tell the crew the truth would have been a betrayal. Instead, we told the crew that her behaviour had been a result of the tests performed by the Lorell. They assumed that she had been given drugs or some type of brain altering treatment. I swore the crew members who had been in the in the brig and the security party along with the crewman she had slept with to secrecy. I am not ashamed to admit that I threatened them with demotion or dishonour if they ever spoke about what had happened. Most agreed immediately. Those who didn’t, soon did when I promised to spend the rest of my life making sure that they kept their mouth shut. I couldn’t make it better Captain, but I could make sure you were remembered as the hero you were. 

It will be my eternal regret that I didn’t listen harder. I am so very very sorry Kathryn, my Captain, my strength, my friend.


End file.
